I began writing this for a couple of different reasons, first and foremost because I needed to get back into the habit of writing something, anything at all…and we all know that rule number one is to write what we know. Where my fictional writing is concerned, it mostly concerns horror, and I felt it might be beneficial for me to explore the horror of real life and how it influences who I’ve become and what I do.
Almost as important, I felt that this might just be a healthy bit of self-exploration and would certainly be cheaper than therapy. It was almost arbitrary that I opened up and shared myself with you, without restraint, and I figured that there would be a couple of people who might be interested in seeing me vulnerable and exposed…If only out of morbid curiosity or spite.
I could not have anticipated the overwhelming show of support and encouragement I have received, from friends and acquaintances as well as total strangers. I expected, at most, to reach one or two people like I usually did with the things I’ve written in the past, and that was fine with me…it was relatively safe and provided me with the illusion of openness without the reality of truly being laid bare in the eyes of anyone. I am not the most interesting fellow and I definitely don’t expect anyone to hang from my every word, so I have been floored by the unprecedented number of people who have been showing an active interest in what I’ve had to say.
This shocking development led to another impetus being adopted behind my decision to continue writing all of this, one that only came about after a few of my stories had been shared…that is my hope that maybe I could potentially reach someone and speak to them in a way that might resonate somehow for them, and maybe improve their life in some small way. Through the sharing of my experiences I started to hope that I might make a difference somewhere, for someone. I dismissed that as being a damned silly thought almost immediately, but I am starting to wonder if maybe I wasn’t too quick to cast it aside…maybe I will be able to help just one person by continuing to open up like I have so far.
I have a small request for you, whether you take me seriously or not…share all of this with anyone you know who might benefit from it, whether because you know they are hurting or because you feel they would derive some pleasure from a total stranger making an ass of himself by sharing these deeply personal aspects of his life with anyone who happens to come along. There is no sense in my exposing myself like this if no one is there to witness it. The vulnerability is a sham if I am not putting myself out there without hesitation…in for a penny, in for a pound.
I am not special, though, and my story is not unique or original…the details may be individual to my life, but the overall theme is not a new one by any stretch of the imagination. There are countless men and women, boys and girls, who have suffered through experiences quite similar to my own and many of them even worse. They are everywhere. If you don’t open yourself up to them without judgment and allow them to reach out to you in their own way (on their own terms) and with their own timing…there is no safe assurance that anyone else will.
It’s up to you to try and make a difference for the broken and the damaged, even if you are among them…don’t you dare second guess yourself like I always do. You might be surprised at just how much healing can come from two broken individuals coming together and simply focusing on the parts that don’t bear the scars left behind, until they can look at one another and no longer see the scars, but the person as they are meant to be.
The world around us and life itself are full of darkness and horrors beyond our everyday imaginings. That darkness has a way of penetration us when we are at our weakest, and consuming us from the inside if we let it. I am the first to admit that it can be seductive in its own way, and that it can be a relief to grab ahold of that darkness and embrace it. Once you do, it never really goes away…and I honestly don’t know if that is even a bad thing, but I am in no position to judge that without bias. Even with that darkness everywhere you have to remember that there is also so much light in the world as well, and you have to insure that other people are seeing it to.
Fuck what I have had to say so far, as well as the rest of what I’m going to share with you after this. None of that is important. What matters is that you take one small lesson away from all of this and make a positive difference in someone’s life, even if that life happens to be your own.
What are you doing still sitting there? Get off your ass and make the world a better place in some infinitesimal way. One person can’t change the world, I know that, but a population is constructed from nothing more than one person and another and another…if you all choose to make a difference, then it will fucking happen.
Don’t worry, I’m not done…I have so much more to share with you.