Month: August 2021

Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers: Volume 1 by Chuck Tingle

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Volume One of Chuck’s Dinosaur Tinglers compiles three previously available stories; My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass, Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner, and Space Raptor Butt Invasion. If you’re unfamiliar with the brilliant Chuck Tingle and his plethora of tinglers, I’m not sure how you’re accessing this review from the space beneath the rock you’ve been living under for however long.
In the first of these three tinglers, Jeremy receives a call out of the blue from Oliver, his former pet triceratops, now an exotic dancer who made billions from sports betting. An evening of expensive dinner instead becomes a gay, erotic encounter in Jeremy’s New York apartment.
The second tale tells us of Donny’s first day at the T-Rex law firm, where he’d just gotten hired as a secretary. Seeking prestige and a better paycheck, Donny soon gets more than he signed up for as he learns just what sort of animals he’s working for when an indecent proposal crosses his desk.
The final tale introduces us to Lance, an astronaut, just as he begins his solo, year-long mission on an alien planet undergoing terraforming to provide humans with a new home and salvation from a dying Earth. Little does he know that a velociraptor astronaut from Earth 2 is also on a similar mission. A friendship borne of mutual loneliness soon becomes a steamy affair, as Lance and Orion discover a new way to pass the time that has nothing to do with playing ping-pong.
In true Tingle fashion, these three stories are short, sweet, and smutty. The erotic elements are graphic in detail and ridiculous in content, which is precisely what Dr. Chuck Tingle excels at bringing to the table. In his life’s mission of showing his readers and fans that love is real, he often goes to extremes that guarantee one will not soon forget the experience of joining him on a tingling journey.

This paperback edition was a Father’s Day present for me from my girlfriend in 2020. Additionally, I was gifted two more Tinglers in paperback at the same time. Only someone who knows me well would have considered these to be just the sort of things I would want in my library.

The Second Cumming Book 1: All Outta Virgins by Matthew A. Clarke

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Look at the person to your right.
Now, look at the person to your left.
Both of them are terrorists.
Also, you’re a terrorist.
In Matthew A. Clarke’s The Second Cumming Book 1: All Outta Virgins, that’s the world we’re living in. Everyone has become part of one faction of terrorists or another. That includes the ragtag members of ANT (Anti Terrorists) we come to know during this first installment in the Second Cumming series. Believe it or not, that is the least crazy element of the story.
What we have here is a non-stop barrage of bizarro, both in imagery and in substance. One of the protagonists is a sentient, humanoid pile of shit, after all.
The best part is that all of this is only the beginning.
All of this is nothing more than the setup. The story takes off when Jesus shows up–oozing cum from every hole in his body–with a mad proposition and a whole lot of violence in mind.
Clarke has masterfully crafted a violent, pornographic satire, blending The Passion of the Christ with Battle Royale.

You can pick up your own copy of Clarke’s first installment in this new series at http://www.godless.com or through the Godless app. The best part is that it’s free. He’s giving you a taste, just to get you hooked…much as a drug dealer might. The link is below:

The Second Cumming Book 1 (All Outta Virgins) by Matthew A. Clarke

Eisenhorn Book Two: Malleus by Dan Abnett, Narrated by Toby Longworth

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Gregor Eisenhorn, surrounded by a cast of characters both old and new, finds himself at the center of a vast conspiracy orchestrated, seemingly, by Cherubael.
Following a devastating attack on Thracian Primaris, events are set in motion leading Inquisitor Eisenhorn to one of two fates. Either Eisenhorn is escorted to the prisons of the Inquisition, where he’ll be branded a heretic and executed, or he locates the puppetmaster pulling the strings of far more sinister and powerful forces than any he’s ever faced, where the future of the Empire will be decided.
Dan Abnett seems to have skimmed over large sections of the narrative in this account of Eisenhorn’s legacy, sometimes going so far as to reference these other puzzle pieces without filling them in for us. Of course, upon reaching the climax of this tale, it makes perfect sense that a lot of those details are left out. There is, after all, a universe-spanning mystery to unravel, and providing the reader/listener with some of those other elements would give far too much away. It’s a shame, though, because it makes for a book that feels less evenly paced and complete than the previous installment of the series.
Though the events of Malleus certainly seem to be far more epic in scope than those of Xenos, something about the way they’re documented in this book makes them feel more condensed. This isn’t a flaw, but it was a peculiar thing I happened to notice.
The narration provided by Toby Longworth, as before, perfectly captures the grim, wry-humored tone of Gregor Eisenhorn in such a way that I can’t imagine him sounding otherwise. The voices provided for the additional characters are distinct enough–in most cases–to make the narrative flow smoothly.

Die, You Fucking Cunt! by Sean Hawker

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As the story begins, we almost feel sorry for Les as we catch glimpses of just how mentally unstable his wife, Marjory, happens to be. Something still tugs at the back of your mind, suggesting that Les can’t be all that well either, judging by how casually he seems to react to Marjory’s antics.
Unable to have a child together, the couple has tried everything, including pets. Les is desperate to do something to assuage his wife’s malfunctioning nesting instinct.
Enter Gary, a dwarf who thinks he’s on his way to a movie set where he’ll be portraying a child much younger than his thirty years. He’s about to enter a nightmare even the reader doesn’t suspect by walking through the door of Les and Marjory’s residence.
If you think it’s awful after Gary gets tucked in the first night, wait until you meet Spencer.
Hawker makes you question what might be going on behind the closed doors of residential neighborhoods everywhere. If we peek through enough windows, will we find something like this story playing out? I sure hope not, but I suspect Hawker might be onto something here, and he’s showing us the unclean, horrifying truth buried beneath the banality of everyday life.

Swing by http://www.godless.com to pick up your own copy of this short story, or download the Godless app for Apple or Android devices. The link to this title is below:

Die, You Fucking Cunt! by Sean Hawker

Gob & Nob by Simon McHardy

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Step right up! Come on, folks. Step right up and see Gob the Blob and Nob the Purple Avenger as they pummel and penetrate their way through all comers! You’ll never see anything like this anywhere else!
Simon McHardy has a knack for taking a ludicrous juvenile concept and hammering it out into something both literate and entertaining. Gob is a morbidly obese imbecile with a 16-inch penile conjoined twin named Nob–complete with eyes, ears, a toothy mouth, and a mind of his own–he’s the one who does most of the thinking. These two are not relatable heroes. They’re not heroes at all, come to think of it. But they’re what we get, and it’s hard to turn away from the ultraviolent, absurd mess they leave in their wake, splattered lovingly upon these pages by McHardy.
From underground deathmatch fights to a burgeoning career in snuff films, Gob & Nob almost dare us to tear our eyes away from the pages as the story insists on continuing. And then, as we reach the end, we wonder why there isn’t more while simultaneously wanting to slap ourselves for asking for that very thing.

You can pick this one up for yourself by going to http://www.godless.com or by downloading the Godless app on your preferred mobile device. The link is below:

Gob & Nob by Simon McHardy

Magick Brew by Nikki Noir

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I went into Magick Brew with high expectations. I’d previously read–and reviewed–the Black Planet collection compiling the first four novellas/novelettes in that series. She set the bar high with that one.
Magick Brew did not let me down. A morality tale reminding the reader to be careful what they wish for, this short story tells the tale of an incel who determines magic might be the only way he’ll get the girl he wants. Repeatedly striking out in his attempts to research a love spell, he almost gives up. Thankfully, for the readers, he does not. It would be a much shorter and far less interesting story if that happened.
Settle in, drink your watermelon margarita, and wait for the party to get going. You’re sure to enjoy the meal.

You can obtain your own copy of Magick Brew at http://www.godless.com or by downloading the Godless app for your Android or Apple devices. The link to this story is below:

Magick Brew (Uncensored Version) by Nikki Noir

Bloodymoon by Ryder Kinlay

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The rich really are different.
Never honeymoon in Thailand.
Those are the biggest takeaways from Kinlay’s Bloodymoon.
We meet the celebrating couple just as a plum is to be propelled from the vagina of a woman on stage into the new bride’s mouth. How can you go wrong with a story that starts like that? From there, Kylie–increasingly intoxicated–allows her husband, David, to drag her along in his wake as he seeks even greater and more taboo forms of enjoyment.
Unfortunately for Kylie, she might have married into the wrong family.
Bloodymoon is a story that starts out feeling like The Hangover only to transition into Hostel, and it’s quite an adventure getting from origin to destination.

You can obtain this short story for yourself by going to http://www.godless.com or by downloading the Godless app for Apple and Android Devices. The link for the story is below:

Bloodymoon by Ryder Kinlay

Lushbutcher (Saturday Night’s Alright for Butchering) by Lucy Leitner

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Lushbutcher expands on The Godless League in a wildly different direction from the first installment. Where John Stabberger seemed like a sane, albeit homicidal, character, Jane Lushbutcher–not her real name–seems far more indiscriminate in her targeting of drunks, and her state of mental health is questionable, to put it nicely.
With a motivation born from the combination of childhood tragedy and a mission bestowed on her by God–who speaks to her through various inanimate objects and discarded food items–she seems initially sympathetic. The execution of her single-minded objective to stop drunk drivers wherever she can find them seems to be a bit more flexible in Lushbutcher’s interpretation–as well as the perspective of her God.
There’s no denying that this is a fun, violent joyride through the seedy streets and rooftops of Pittsburgh. But with victims less cut and dried as bad guys, Lushbutcher doesn’t come across as quite as focused and relatable as Stabberger. Don’t let that turn you away from the story, though. It’s still an exciting, delirious adventure.

You can check this one out for yourself by going to http://www.godless.com or by downloading the Godless app for Android and Apple. The link for this title is below:

Godless League #2 (Lushbutcher – "Saturday Night’s Alright for Butchering") by Lucy Leitner

Firefly: The Ghost Machine by James Lovegrove, Narrated by James Anderson Foster

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It was bound to happen, but I sort of hoped I would be wrong. Firefly: The Ghost Machine wasn’t the best of the tie-in novels following up the abruptly terminated Firefly series. I’m not suggesting it’s not a good story or that it’s something I’d recommend skipping over, but it wasn’t as good as the previous two books from James Lovegrove.
This third installment of the series of books filling in the gap between the Firefly finale and the continuation provided by Serenity falls into the interval after both Inara and Shepherd Book have left Serenity. The loss, relatively recent, leaves a discernable and tender hole in the lives of the remaining crew. Lovegrove’s writing succeeds in capturing that despondency without being heavy-handed about it.
At the request of Badger, the crew of Serenity heads to a distant location for recovery of a case containing an unknown device to deliver it to Badger for a client. Unhappy and unsettled by the lack of information provided–as well as Alliance patrols in that region of space–Mal determines he doesn’t like the deal and opts to pass on the money. The supplier doesn’t take kindly to Mal’s repudiation, and bullets fly.
Unbeknownst to Mal and the rest of the crew, Jayne sneaks the parcel onto Serenity, and everything goes sideways. The device was designed as a form of mind control and crowd suppression, triggering those in proximity to lapse into hypnogogic states. As the crew of Serenity finds themselves trapped in dreams they can’t rouse themselves from, River is the only one aware of the problem and hopes she’s capable of breaking her family aboard the firefly from their respective trances before it all ends in tragedy.
Naturally, we know they come through the other side since Serenity takes place…but we do catch glimpses into the dreams and nightmares of the remaining crew members along the way. Unfortunately, there’s not much more to the story than that.
As with the previous books, the narration from James Anderson Foster is spot-on. Aside from a full cast reading of the scripts, I don’t think they could have found a better narrator for these books.

My Heart Is a Chainsaw by Stephen Graham Jones

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After The Only Good Indians last year, Stephen Graham Jones set the bar higher than most authors could dream of achieving. I say that because The Only Good Indians was easily one of the best novels I’ve had the pleasure of reading, regardless of the genre…ever. My Heart Is a Chainsaw isn’t likely to leave quite as profound of a lasting impact as that book, but it’s a different sort of beast altogether. And boy, is it a beast.
Jade Daniels is a walking, talking archive of all things slasher-related, or even slasher-adjacent. She’s a socially awkward outcast who speaks to others in slasher genre shorthand. To her, everything in life can be easily compared and contrasted with plot points of one or more of her favorite movies. Every occasion has an appropriate quote from the slasher genre. As a person, she’s equal parts aggravating and endearing to the reader–assuming the reader, like me, is a hardcore slasher fanatic.
Finally, her dead-end life in a dead-end Idaho town appears to be heading toward a fantasy come true. With the arrival of Lethe Mondragon, the final piece falls into place as Jade determines she’s located the archetypal “final girl” for the real-life slasher horror to play out.
Is Jade another Cassandra, doomed to warn everyone of the impending nightmare and tragedy, only to be dismissed as all youth are in the movies she so adores? Is she simply a troubled girl who has lost the capacity to differentiate between fantasy and reality, on the verge of returning to the institution from which she’d only recently been released? You’ll have to read the book to find out. If you’re familiar with Jones as an author, you should know you won’t be disappointed.
As you reach the halfway point of this novel, everything begins cascading out of control with a feverish pace and such a dizzying assortment of horrors that you’ll hardly see the next twist coming–and there are indeed twists.
The novel is so much more than a slasher story. I’d love to tell you more, but I’d be giving too much away. My Heart Is a Chainsaw is also a coming-of-age tale about an indigenous girl haunted by her past and fixated on the haunted history of the mountain town she calls home. This is a story of friendship, a dysfunctional family, and an even more dysfunctional community.
My Heart Is a Chainsaw should assure any readers that Stephen Graham Jones is–I say this without a doubt in my mind–perhaps the single greatest writer currently active in the horror genre.