Just a little something that I put together really quick because the idea popped into my head and I thought it would be funny.
Month: July 2012
Rest In Peace
It makes me sad to think that Sally Ride, the first American woman in space, felt that she needed to hide her sexual preference. The woman was a national treasure and should have felt confident that she would be loved, respected, and embraced for the courageous, brilliant woman that she was…regardless of where her attractions happened to focus.
Things like that are precisely why I sometimes find myself feeling ashamed to be an American.
That is all.
Thinking About the Future
I have spent a little while deliberating with myself…trying to determine the best way that I can manage to frame a proposal…proposal for marriage, that is.
Something romantic, something sweet, something that might even bring tears to her eyes.
I want to do this right. I want to make it something that she will treasure and look back upon with unparalleled fondness for the rest of her life.
I have plenty of time left to think about this particular subject…there won’t be an engagement until she and I both have finalized divorces, and I still won’t be able to afford the ring that she deserves until some time after that, I’m sure…not without some major changes in my financial status.
I keep wishing that I could do something worthwhile to change my life in a fairly expedient manner, something to make me feel more worthy of her choosing to spend her life with me. I know that she is happy with me just the way that I am, and I can’t begin to express the gratitude that I feel for that…but I want to give her the life that I know she deserves, and to be able to provide the degree of comfort and happiness that I want us to all share as a family. I really need to get more writing done, and it needs to be fucking spectacular…because there is no other way that I could conceive of that I might be able to build the sort of life that I want for us. It won’t matter when people don’t even read what I’ve already written…I wish that I could be taken seriously as an author, but it doesn’t feel like that is happening.
I’ve gotten off track though.
I want to be in a position to give her the wedding that she deserves. I want us to have a lovely little vacation for our honeymoon. I want to be able to take actual vacations as a family…to places outside of South Dakota. I really want to have a better life than the one I have been living, to provide my children and my future wife (and her children as well) with a better life than I had…and so far I have been doing a less than stellar job of that.
It’s a moot point though, I can want in one hand and shit in the other…and we know which one will fill up first. I am putting the cart before the horse anyhow…I need to figure out how to propose to her before I worry about putting together the right wedding for us…or any sort of honeymoon.
Anyone who has any suggestions…I am happy to hear them.
To Hell With Them
I am appalled, to put it nicely. I just read an article from The Huffington Post where I was informed that those clowns from Westboro Baptist are being called on to picket the Stallone funeral.
I am not a violent man, but if I were ever present at any of the military funerals where those monstrous cocksuckers were rallied…I might just have to give it a shot.
What perplexes me is how Fred Phelps has gone this long without taking his whole troupe of illiterate, functionally retarded followers out in a Jonestown fantasy camp sort of finale. It would save the rest of us a great deal of pain and suffering (perhaps not me personally), and they could haul their sorry asses off to this insipid afterlife that they expect to find waiting for them.
I am not a believer…and in fact I have some rather negative perspectives regarding religion in general…but even I am fully aware of the fact that these assholes don’t speak for Christianity as a whole. I’m sincerely surprised that other Christians haven’t simply decided to wipe them out just like one would remove spoiled fruit from a basket…if only to keep this most vocal minority from waving the banner for the whole damn group.
It saddens me that people like this exist at all because it makes me realize that the world we live in will always be a miserable place as long as people like that are out there doing their best to ruin it for us.
No Catharsis
There are times when I am forced to wonder if I am totally unsuited to relationships (not even solely romantic ones, but friendships and the like as well, though it is those of a romantic nature that I am speaking of here). In fact I am almost certain that I am not suited for it…but god damn if I am not trying.
A lifetime of failed relationships and truly unhealthy involvements really hasn’t prepared me for what I have in front of me. I’m insecure, I’m perpetually saying the wrong thing or saying things the wrong way, and I can’t help but feel that I am way out of my league with this woman.
I have positively no doubt that she loves me, and am even more certain of how I feel about her…that is not an issue at all. I don’t even know where the issue happens to arise, but they exist just the same. I don’t know how to communicate with her without it all coming out wrong, and I keep trying only to make it worse. I want to express the insecurities that I have, the fears and doubts, to open a line of communication with her that will facilitate reaching a resolution and maybe, just maybe, combatting some of this shit in my head and fixing some of the damage that has been done.
She is an amazing woman; beautiful, funny, sweet, smart as all hell, a better mother than she would ever give herself credit for being, she loves books, she loves the same movies as I do, and she is easily the most supportive and loving woman I could ever imagine having in my life, not to mention being overwhelmingly sexy…and I don’t go a day without wondering what the hell she could possibly see in me, while conversely begging the universe to never let her stop seeing whatever that might be.
I know how lucky I am, I am not the sort of imbecile who overlooks that sort of thing and takes it for granted…instead I am the sort of imbecile who wonders aloud how I could possible measure up against what I know she deserves. She is easily the best thing that has happened to me (outside of my children, because they are fucking magnificent examples of just how great life can be), and I want nothing more than to give her cause to feel the same way…just like I do, on a daily basis. I want her to look around at her life with me and feel the same sense of awe and wonder at how unexpectedly beautiful life has become, how surprisingly perfect things can be. I just don’t know how to be the man who can elicit such things…I don’t know if I even have it in me to be that sort of man. She would probably say that I already have succeeded, but she is sweet and she’s in love with me, so her perspective is biased.
I don’t know what the purpose may have been in sharing all of this. Maybe I was hoping for advice? Probably, I just wanted to put it all into words, straighten out my thoughts a little bit…and maybe stumble upon some catharsis that has eluded me so far, and eludes me still.
Damn it all. It was worth a shot though.
Errata Addendum
March 2nd, 2011
The words come out all wrong, twisted on my tongue.
Things i need to say become distorted as they leave my lips.
Failure seems so certain when i can’t seem to find the words.
The right words, to change your mind, to make you stay.
Next to you i feel so mute and ineffective.
When you’re here i just can’t seem to do things right.
You make me shiver and i bite my tongue.
I keep telling myself that there will be another night.
I can see it in your eyes when everything i say is wrong.
I never want to fail you, but i can’t seem to get it right.
Frustration builds inside of me, knowing that I fall so short.
A better version of me might stand a chance where i do not.
Here with you i am so mute and ineffective.
I try so hard, but can’t seem to do things right.
Shivering, afraid, i bite my tongue.
Knowing that i can’t put it off for another night.
Further Errata
I want to burn your perfect life to the ground…
and choke on ash.
I need to sweep away the shelter where you stand…
let it collapse.
Everything you thought was right is wrong…
and I think you know.
There is only one solution I can see…
just let it go.
Stop the world.
It’s been broken all along, this cannot stand.
Tear it down.
You need to let it go, just take my hand.
I want to rip the little lies from your mind…
and watch them die.
We have to strip all these illusions from your eyes…
just know it’s right.
All the things you have, I must destroy…
please save your tears.
I dream of watching your whole life falling down…
but I’m right here.
Stop the world.
It’s been broken all along, this shouldn’t stand.
Tear it down.
We need to rebuild, just take my hand.
Errata Salvaged from My Old/Unused Blog
April 5th, 2011
I claw at the shadows cast by a me that could have been.
Desperately trying to catch up to where I know I should be now.
I see him in the mirrors when the lights are low enough.
But I can never step through that divide and into his shoes.
I’m chasing the wake left behind by a better man than me.
Will I ever catch up to where I’m supposed to be?
I see him in the reflections in your eyes sometimes.
Is it really me that you love, or is it the trace of him within?
Will there ever come a time when the two of us are the same?
I’m trying so hard, as much for you as for myself.
I don’t know if all that effort will amount to anything.
For you I keep on crawling forward.
I do everything for you.
April 6th, 2011
All my life I felt like I was waiting for something.
Like a pressure building in the back of my mind
I thought that it would be the end of the world.
I watched and waited all these years for some sort of sign.
My eyes were always searching in the wrong places.
I thought it was the end, but it was always you.
I sat here hoping to witness the world burned away.
Instead it was the end of everything I believed was true.
You brought me to my knees like no one else could.
My mind is spinning every time I look your way.
I’m broken down, confused, and scared to death.
But somehow I know that you are here to stay.
You’re the death of who I knew myself to be.
All of my illusions dissipate with you right here.
I’ve become a stranger to myself, someone new.
I am desperate to believe you, telling me to have no fear.
Random Meandering Nonsense
Laying here in an empty house (read: no children present) is a strange sensation after so much time with at least one of my children at home, usually two or all three. This is the first night in months when none of my kids are here and it is disorienting.
At least Chandra is here, which keeps me from being left to my own devices…and I must say that it is relaxing and quiet having the place to ourselves for the night, something that never happens.
I should be doing some writing, but I don’t feel anything fighting to meet the page at the moment…and besides, this is writing…somewhat…in a sense…if defined loosely enough.
I could begin detailing the errata of my day, each and every bland and mundane detail laid out before you (the small handful of individuals who actually take the time to check in and read my rambling nonsense). I won’t do that though, so you don’t need to worry…I can’t stand it when people do that. The mistaken assumption that anyone is so damn interesting that otherwise mind numbing tedium would end up glossed over with some sparkling finish that others would find fascinating is one I don’t happen to suffer from. My mistaken assumptions are otherwise oriented…though probably no less absurd, but I am not presently inclined to shoulder you with the burden of tolerating them. Not yet at least.
Since I clearly have nothing of any value to say, I should probably stop here…before I become truly annoying.
One final thought, before I leave…over to the right there should be links to my books on Amazon as well as my author page on Facebook…take the time to “like” me, even if you don’t happen to…and read my books…from beginning all the way through…and let me know what you think. I want to discuss them with you, to hear your thoughts…as positive or negative as they might be.
Thank you.
And Now for Something Completely Different.
Losing my job of two and a half years on June 28th was a profound surprise for me, especially the reasons and justifications that were brought to the table as impetus for the termination. It seems like some people simply can’t be trusted, no matter how much they seem to be something akin to “friends” in a working relationship context.
People will lie and manipulate where they can, they will take things that were said and rip them from the proper context in which they were shared (including their own parts in the conversations in question)…and they will hang you out to dry even when there is no apparent purpose or benefit involved aside from the sheer pleasure of doing so.
I’m not particularly bitter about it, I know enough about human nature to take that in stride and feel nothing more than trace amounts of disdain for the individuals who took my name and rubbed it in filth and shit. People do those things, even to people that they like and respect…or maybe I am wrong in suspecting that I was actually liked and respected by those persons involved. Life goes on.
I needed to get away from that place anyhow. I had been wanting to change careers for a solid year or more, but I have a propensity for becoming complacent and comfortable where I shouldn’t…and this was one of those scenarios.
I wanted out, I wanted something different, I was unhappy and unsatisfied there, and I actually found myself dreading the hours that I was going to be spending there…but let’s be honest, I wasn’t going to quit anytime soon.
I’m trying to use this negative turn of events as something beneficial, a forced opportunity to turn things around.
I start a new job this coming Tuesday, after less than three weeks of being unemployed…and I am cautiously optimistic about the transition. I can look forward to no real drop in rate of pay and no substantial decrease in the quality of benefits that are available, on top of which I am finally able to look forward to no longer working into or through the middle of the night for the first time in more than a decade.
Hopefully it will be conducive to my ability to write, not working the odd hours that I had been for so long…but that is another thing I am cautiously optimistic about.
Besides, I have a lovely and supportive girlfriend that I intend to marry not so far down the road…and how could I help but be optimistic with her in my life?
Domus Necrophagous 