When I enrolled in college as a double major, studying physics and chemistry, it was with grand, lofty dreams of working for JPL…after which I intended to travel to the UK and spend some time at Reading University, working in cybernetics. I wanted to transition from my dual majors to a Ph.D program in nanoscience & nanoengineering…education and expertise which I could utilize in efforts to develop artificial organs for transplant, better organs than those that we are born with, ones that could extend life indefinitely.
Instead I only made it three years into my undergraduate studies before real life got in the way…working full-time, raising children full-time, and attending college as well; it was simply too much to have on my plate, something had to give, and my higher education was being placed on the back burner far too often. My GPA was suffering, my ability to focus on necessary studies as well, and there was really no choice but to ultimately leave school…something that I really did not want to do, but schedules were too much in conflict.
Here I am, waiting to see the Mars landing, reminiscing about the dreams that I had for my future not altogether so long ago. My girlfriend received notice today that she was on the Dean’s List for her school where she is studying to be a medical assistant, and I was reminded of how I never had the requisite attention to put toward my education to do the same. I am reminded of how far short I have fallen from what I wanted for myself, what everyone seemed to believe I was capable of being.
Chandra wants me to cut down my hours to part-time and enroll in school again after she’s finished with her own school and gotten into a career where she is earning adequate income to compensate for the decrease on my end. I worry that I still won’t have what it takes…but I would do my best not to let her (or myself) down.
I wonder where my future will lead. I returned to my first love, writing…and I feel satisfied as hell doing so…if only I could really get back to it with as much focus and discipline as I need. I don’t know what to do, but I know that I need to do it.
That’s all…just some random thoughts for the night.
Land well on Mars, you beautiful piece of elegant machinery. Make us proud and increase our knowledge and understanding of the universe we’re such an insignificant part of. I am watching, and so are many others.
Uncategorized
Babar the Elephant Man
Just a little something that I put together really quick because the idea popped into my head and I thought it would be funny.
Rest In Peace
It makes me sad to think that Sally Ride, the first American woman in space, felt that she needed to hide her sexual preference. The woman was a national treasure and should have felt confident that she would be loved, respected, and embraced for the courageous, brilliant woman that she was…regardless of where her attractions happened to focus.
Things like that are precisely why I sometimes find myself feeling ashamed to be an American.
That is all.
Thinking About the Future
I have spent a little while deliberating with myself…trying to determine the best way that I can manage to frame a proposal…proposal for marriage, that is.
Something romantic, something sweet, something that might even bring tears to her eyes.
I want to do this right. I want to make it something that she will treasure and look back upon with unparalleled fondness for the rest of her life.
I have plenty of time left to think about this particular subject…there won’t be an engagement until she and I both have finalized divorces, and I still won’t be able to afford the ring that she deserves until some time after that, I’m sure…not without some major changes in my financial status.
I keep wishing that I could do something worthwhile to change my life in a fairly expedient manner, something to make me feel more worthy of her choosing to spend her life with me. I know that she is happy with me just the way that I am, and I can’t begin to express the gratitude that I feel for that…but I want to give her the life that I know she deserves, and to be able to provide the degree of comfort and happiness that I want us to all share as a family. I really need to get more writing done, and it needs to be fucking spectacular…because there is no other way that I could conceive of that I might be able to build the sort of life that I want for us. It won’t matter when people don’t even read what I’ve already written…I wish that I could be taken seriously as an author, but it doesn’t feel like that is happening.
I’ve gotten off track though.
I want to be in a position to give her the wedding that she deserves. I want us to have a lovely little vacation for our honeymoon. I want to be able to take actual vacations as a family…to places outside of South Dakota. I really want to have a better life than the one I have been living, to provide my children and my future wife (and her children as well) with a better life than I had…and so far I have been doing a less than stellar job of that.
It’s a moot point though, I can want in one hand and shit in the other…and we know which one will fill up first. I am putting the cart before the horse anyhow…I need to figure out how to propose to her before I worry about putting together the right wedding for us…or any sort of honeymoon.
Anyone who has any suggestions…I am happy to hear them.
To Hell With Them
I am appalled, to put it nicely. I just read an article from The Huffington Post where I was informed that those clowns from Westboro Baptist are being called on to picket the Stallone funeral.
I am not a violent man, but if I were ever present at any of the military funerals where those monstrous cocksuckers were rallied…I might just have to give it a shot.
What perplexes me is how Fred Phelps has gone this long without taking his whole troupe of illiterate, functionally retarded followers out in a Jonestown fantasy camp sort of finale. It would save the rest of us a great deal of pain and suffering (perhaps not me personally), and they could haul their sorry asses off to this insipid afterlife that they expect to find waiting for them.
I am not a believer…and in fact I have some rather negative perspectives regarding religion in general…but even I am fully aware of the fact that these assholes don’t speak for Christianity as a whole. I’m sincerely surprised that other Christians haven’t simply decided to wipe them out just like one would remove spoiled fruit from a basket…if only to keep this most vocal minority from waving the banner for the whole damn group.
It saddens me that people like this exist at all because it makes me realize that the world we live in will always be a miserable place as long as people like that are out there doing their best to ruin it for us.
No Catharsis
There are times when I am forced to wonder if I am totally unsuited to relationships (not even solely romantic ones, but friendships and the like as well, though it is those of a romantic nature that I am speaking of here). In fact I am almost certain that I am not suited for it…but god damn if I am not trying.
A lifetime of failed relationships and truly unhealthy involvements really hasn’t prepared me for what I have in front of me. I’m insecure, I’m perpetually saying the wrong thing or saying things the wrong way, and I can’t help but feel that I am way out of my league with this woman.
I have positively no doubt that she loves me, and am even more certain of how I feel about her…that is not an issue at all. I don’t even know where the issue happens to arise, but they exist just the same. I don’t know how to communicate with her without it all coming out wrong, and I keep trying only to make it worse. I want to express the insecurities that I have, the fears and doubts, to open a line of communication with her that will facilitate reaching a resolution and maybe, just maybe, combatting some of this shit in my head and fixing some of the damage that has been done.
She is an amazing woman; beautiful, funny, sweet, smart as all hell, a better mother than she would ever give herself credit for being, she loves books, she loves the same movies as I do, and she is easily the most supportive and loving woman I could ever imagine having in my life, not to mention being overwhelmingly sexy…and I don’t go a day without wondering what the hell she could possibly see in me, while conversely begging the universe to never let her stop seeing whatever that might be.
I know how lucky I am, I am not the sort of imbecile who overlooks that sort of thing and takes it for granted…instead I am the sort of imbecile who wonders aloud how I could possible measure up against what I know she deserves. She is easily the best thing that has happened to me (outside of my children, because they are fucking magnificent examples of just how great life can be), and I want nothing more than to give her cause to feel the same way…just like I do, on a daily basis. I want her to look around at her life with me and feel the same sense of awe and wonder at how unexpectedly beautiful life has become, how surprisingly perfect things can be. I just don’t know how to be the man who can elicit such things…I don’t know if I even have it in me to be that sort of man. She would probably say that I already have succeeded, but she is sweet and she’s in love with me, so her perspective is biased.
I don’t know what the purpose may have been in sharing all of this. Maybe I was hoping for advice? Probably, I just wanted to put it all into words, straighten out my thoughts a little bit…and maybe stumble upon some catharsis that has eluded me so far, and eludes me still.
Damn it all. It was worth a shot though.
Random Meandering Nonsense
Laying here in an empty house (read: no children present) is a strange sensation after so much time with at least one of my children at home, usually two or all three. This is the first night in months when none of my kids are here and it is disorienting.
At least Chandra is here, which keeps me from being left to my own devices…and I must say that it is relaxing and quiet having the place to ourselves for the night, something that never happens.
I should be doing some writing, but I don’t feel anything fighting to meet the page at the moment…and besides, this is writing…somewhat…in a sense…if defined loosely enough.
I could begin detailing the errata of my day, each and every bland and mundane detail laid out before you (the small handful of individuals who actually take the time to check in and read my rambling nonsense). I won’t do that though, so you don’t need to worry…I can’t stand it when people do that. The mistaken assumption that anyone is so damn interesting that otherwise mind numbing tedium would end up glossed over with some sparkling finish that others would find fascinating is one I don’t happen to suffer from. My mistaken assumptions are otherwise oriented…though probably no less absurd, but I am not presently inclined to shoulder you with the burden of tolerating them. Not yet at least.
Since I clearly have nothing of any value to say, I should probably stop here…before I become truly annoying.
One final thought, before I leave…over to the right there should be links to my books on Amazon as well as my author page on Facebook…take the time to “like” me, even if you don’t happen to…and read my books…from beginning all the way through…and let me know what you think. I want to discuss them with you, to hear your thoughts…as positive or negative as they might be.
Thank you.
And Now for Something Completely Different.
Losing my job of two and a half years on June 28th was a profound surprise for me, especially the reasons and justifications that were brought to the table as impetus for the termination. It seems like some people simply can’t be trusted, no matter how much they seem to be something akin to “friends” in a working relationship context.
People will lie and manipulate where they can, they will take things that were said and rip them from the proper context in which they were shared (including their own parts in the conversations in question)…and they will hang you out to dry even when there is no apparent purpose or benefit involved aside from the sheer pleasure of doing so.
I’m not particularly bitter about it, I know enough about human nature to take that in stride and feel nothing more than trace amounts of disdain for the individuals who took my name and rubbed it in filth and shit. People do those things, even to people that they like and respect…or maybe I am wrong in suspecting that I was actually liked and respected by those persons involved. Life goes on.
I needed to get away from that place anyhow. I had been wanting to change careers for a solid year or more, but I have a propensity for becoming complacent and comfortable where I shouldn’t…and this was one of those scenarios.
I wanted out, I wanted something different, I was unhappy and unsatisfied there, and I actually found myself dreading the hours that I was going to be spending there…but let’s be honest, I wasn’t going to quit anytime soon.
I’m trying to use this negative turn of events as something beneficial, a forced opportunity to turn things around.
I start a new job this coming Tuesday, after less than three weeks of being unemployed…and I am cautiously optimistic about the transition. I can look forward to no real drop in rate of pay and no substantial decrease in the quality of benefits that are available, on top of which I am finally able to look forward to no longer working into or through the middle of the night for the first time in more than a decade.
Hopefully it will be conducive to my ability to write, not working the odd hours that I had been for so long…but that is another thing I am cautiously optimistic about.
Besides, I have a lovely and supportive girlfriend that I intend to marry not so far down the road…and how could I help but be optimistic with her in my life?
Transitional Phase
It’s amazing how much more legitimate I feel when telling people that I’m a writer now that there is a hard copy, paperback format for my novel, Unspoken.
This couldn’t have happened at a better time seeing as how I became unexpectedly unemployed on the 28th of June…the same day that I received the “proof” copy of my book for my perusal and critiquing. That one bright spot helped to keep me from plummeting into self-loathing and misery upon being without a job…almost as much as having my lovely Chandra here by my side reassuring me and providing me with the love and support that I desperately needed when, as a single father, my sole source of income suddenly evaporated.
I had my first interview less than 24 hours ago and hopefully that will remedy the unemployed status that I’m already coming to despise. The free time is nice and I have been making the best of it…to the best of my ability at least.
Anyone who does happen to read this, please feel free to support a struggling “artist” and check out my novel and the digital-only collection of poetry that can be found on Amazon. How’s that for shameful? Here I am, trying to tug at whatever sympathy might be available to be milked. You can’t hold it against me though.
No Title Deserved
Time wasted on inane things with little to no relevance to me is arguably one of the most irritating things to suffer through.
Sitting in a meeting, watching slide shows and less tech-savvy presentations on things that have little to no impact on my existence, is not how I would be choosing to spend this time. I would like to claim that I would be doing something productive if I were not occupied with this nonsense, but I would more than likely be sleeping…which could be considered to be productive.
If it wasn’t sleep, I would like to suggest that I might be exercising, which I was doing only about an hour or so before the start of this meeting.
Chances are fair to middling that I would instead be playing more Mass Effect 3. I have spent the last few days immersed in the universe of Mass Effect…finishing my way through the latter half of Mass Effect 2 in preparation for the release of the next installment, and continuing almost seamless from one game into the next.
I need a life, perhaps.
Domus Necrophagous 