There are times when I am forced to wonder if I am totally unsuited to relationships (not even solely romantic ones, but friendships and the like as well, though it is those of a romantic nature that I am speaking of here). In fact I am almost certain that I am not suited for it…but god damn if I am not trying.
A lifetime of failed relationships and truly unhealthy involvements really hasn’t prepared me for what I have in front of me. I’m insecure, I’m perpetually saying the wrong thing or saying things the wrong way, and I can’t help but feel that I am way out of my league with this woman.
I have positively no doubt that she loves me, and am even more certain of how I feel about her…that is not an issue at all. I don’t even know where the issue happens to arise, but they exist just the same. I don’t know how to communicate with her without it all coming out wrong, and I keep trying only to make it worse. I want to express the insecurities that I have, the fears and doubts, to open a line of communication with her that will facilitate reaching a resolution and maybe, just maybe, combatting some of this shit in my head and fixing some of the damage that has been done.
She is an amazing woman; beautiful, funny, sweet, smart as all hell, a better mother than she would ever give herself credit for being, she loves books, she loves the same movies as I do, and she is easily the most supportive and loving woman I could ever imagine having in my life, not to mention being overwhelmingly sexy…and I don’t go a day without wondering what the hell she could possibly see in me, while conversely begging the universe to never let her stop seeing whatever that might be.
I know how lucky I am, I am not the sort of imbecile who overlooks that sort of thing and takes it for granted…instead I am the sort of imbecile who wonders aloud how I could possible measure up against what I know she deserves. She is easily the best thing that has happened to me (outside of my children, because they are fucking magnificent examples of just how great life can be), and I want nothing more than to give her cause to feel the same way…just like I do, on a daily basis. I want her to look around at her life with me and feel the same sense of awe and wonder at how unexpectedly beautiful life has become, how surprisingly perfect things can be. I just don’t know how to be the man who can elicit such things…I don’t know if I even have it in me to be that sort of man. She would probably say that I already have succeeded, but she is sweet and she’s in love with me, so her perspective is biased.
I don’t know what the purpose may have been in sharing all of this. Maybe I was hoping for advice? Probably, I just wanted to put it all into words, straighten out my thoughts a little bit…and maybe stumble upon some catharsis that has eluded me so far, and eludes me still.
Damn it all. It was worth a shot though.